Growing up I learned very quickly to be a people-pleaser. In my family that meant keeping how you felt to yourself, having a smile on your face at all times, even if you were emotionally dying inside, and being a ‘can do’ person not a ‘no can do’ person. This has stayed with me throughout my life.
What it has meant for me though is that I have put the feelings of others before my own much of the time. I worry what others will think irrespective of how I actually feel. This week has been really tough on the non-drinking front because of some stuff going on in my job. And because I’ve learned that the way to get acceptance is to put others first, and I’ve only been in post 3 months, I’m not being completely honest with them about it. This is creating over-whelming anxiety in me that is manifesting itself as the desire to drink BADLY.
And true to form, this blog has been no different. I worry about what I post and that someone might not like what I write which is a kind of self-torture really. So I’m going to try really hard to be completely honest on this blog from here on in. No dressing it up as all smiley and easy breezy does it but hard much of the time at the moment.
I’m hoping that by being honest in this area of my life I will gain courage about being more honest in the work element of my life. Here’s hoping. Day 82.