Mother’s Day Mutterings

It started on Thursday.  Colleagues at work asking what treat was in store for me this Sunday.  I answered I didn’t know and the conversation moved on.

Until I was lying in the bath that night and the voice in my head piped up.  Those premeditated resentments started to form and it went something like this “well birthday’s used to be a big deal because you could celebrate with a drink and Christmas isn’t what it used to be now that you don’t drink.  And newly sober you must be a better parent so the day that should really be celebrated is now Mother’s Day.  And if they don’t spoil me rotten that day then why did I bother giving up drink and that would be a really bloody good reason to drink, to reward yourself for being such a good parent if they can’t be bothered” harumph  Uh oh, then I realised wolfie was there dressed like grandma in the little red riding hood story lurking under the bedclothes in disguise ready to gobble me up!

In my drinking days I would have nursed these expectations over the following days and when the day failed to match the picture I had built up in my head I would have sulked, probably picked an argument and drank – justifying it with I’m feeling sorry for myself so I’m going to drink more.  This time I outed myself – first to Mr HOF (who made noises that suggested he understood my warped logic) and now to you (although I don’t feel very proud of admitting this line of thinking).

I’m going to write some posts soon about relapse and warning signs as to me this was a big flashing neon warning sign of a relapse in the making.  Maybe with six months under my belt I have become complacent, bored, frustrated and am maybe having a few post 6 month sober-versary blues.  The memories of drinking don’t seem quite so hideous as they used to either and this rattles me.  I can feel wolfie’s breath down my neck again in a way that I haven’t done for a while.  Maybe I need to treat myself today irrespective of what my family do? 😉

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9 thoughts on “Mother’s Day Mutterings

  1. Amy at Soberbia wrote a great post recently on expectations (http://sober-bia.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/elephant-suit.html) and I can’t help thinking Mothers’ Day (and of course motherhood in general) is such a minefield of expectations. And how cranky we get when we / they don’t live up to some media-thin chocolate-box picture of how it’s all *supposed* to be. However your day goes today, I hope you have some laughs, some good food, some time to kick back and relax and at least two people telling you that your are fantastic. xxx

    1. Ooh I missed that – will need to go read 🙂 Thanks MTM, the day got off to a good start with the clocks going forward and no dawn waking 😉 Hope you have a lovely day too xx
      Edited to add: wow just read Amy’s post – us sober birds think so much the same it’s scary and I promise I hadn’t read it before I wrote this. Her use of the word harumph too really spooked me! xx

  2. Yes indeed Lucy wolfie is in truth never far away. We can sail along undisturbed for weeks on end but the little bugger is there is the wings even if we can’t see him. I had a bit of a whisper last night too. Had a very busy 6 day week. Came home showered and got my comfies on and the voice just said and a nice glass of wine will complete this picture of relaxation. I can walk to the Co-op in about 3 mins. But the anticipation of Sunday morning hangover free won out. Life is full of reasons to drink but we need to focus on the reasons not to drink. Enjoy your Mother’s Day – and I am sure it will be wonderful – your family, your children, your way xxx

    1. Thanks Kim and what a great expression 🙂 I think every time we see it for what it is the easier it gets. His persistence and Mr Benn like ability to change never ceases to amaze me! xx

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