So last week-end I started on some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) with an experienced senior practitioner.
Why? Because I have this tiny little voice in my head that say’s ‘if I could get to the bottom of what my thinking around my drinking was and could fix it then all would be well and I could drink socially again’. I know, I know – sounds like a wolf in sheep’s clothing right?
But this wolf/sheep is still struggling with how the rest of the flock get to drink and she doesn’t. ‘Sheeple‘ is an oft used derogatory term for a person who follows the herd without thinking about their actions and this is part of my struggle too. Am I wanting to drink again so that I fit in or is this just wolfie words to keep me struggling? If the attitude towards drinking had changed as it has towards smoking, so that it was considered a more anti-social than social habit, would this decision be so hard?
These are all unanswered questions that I continue to struggle with. I hate being a sheeple and feeling like one and usually rejoice in going against the flow so why is this issue different? I struggle with the question of ‘am I an alcoholic?’ and that my inability to control my drinking isn’t a failing in me but a reflection of an addictive substance. I know this isn’t new to any of you but that is what was going through my head when they asked me the question.
Then they asked me to scale/rate how hard this was for me to unpick and manage and that was a resounding 10. This is some of the hardest shit I have ever done, and I’m doing it sober, and I am crying a river of tears. It’s like a wine bottle cork was plugging the dam of tears that have been building up and been kept in check for as long as I can remember. The no booze and tricky therapeutic conversations has finally forced the cork out of the hole and the full force of my tear ducts had been released. As the lovely Mrs D would say ‘water keeps falling from my eyes’ and I feel unable, and unwilling, to control it like I did in the past.
I will share how the CBT goes and what I learn because I wonder if I am not alone in how I think and how it relates to my drinking and I find this therapeutic in itself. I sense I know the answer to the question already but I’m just not yet ready to accept it and this is my way of delaying the inevitable. But what a fantastic learning opportunity too and what doesn’t break us makes us stronger right?