I really don’t get this about myself. So I felt some pride because I got through a shitty time and didn’t drink and the voice still starts up anyway. You know, the ‘too big for your own boots’ and ‘pride comes before a fall’ stuff. It makes me want to scream because I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Where does this come from? Is it just me who swings from feeling they are as worthless as something you just trod in to feeling like they are behaving like a cocky gobby upstart in the time it takes to blink? Is this wolfie words from different angles? I know Brene Brown talks about it as ‘foreboding joy’ and I blogged about it here.
I know it is related to practicing gratitude and I try to do that on a daily basis with my email gratitude buddy. I know it’s because I come from a thinking pattern of shame, scarcity and fear and I rationally logically get that but when will my soul & heart catch up with my head? I know it is related to vulnerability and the fear that it is going to be taken away. But it is in my control damn it. I control whether I pick up that first drink. So why oh f**king why am I giving myself a hard time for doing well? I emailed Belle recently saying that wolfie had donned steel toe-capped Doc Martin’s and was giving the inside of my skull a good kicking as that is what it felt like. I said that the cacophony of self-sabotage had reached DEFCON 1 and I just wanted to check out and ‘get out of my head’.
And maybe that’s what it’s about. I am so close to feeling like my shame, scarcity and fear is diminishing and receding that I have to try to destroy it. Try to take the shine off of it by saying to myself it’s fragile and I’m not good enough to have this. Trying to put myself back to Day 1 and maintaining the status quo of feeling shitty about myself.
It’s like this is wolfie’s last stand. That if I can get to 9 months and not crack that a major milestone has been achieved. If only in my head 😉 ……
92 days to go – hang on, it is 9 months today!!