Pride comes before a fall

I really don’t get this about myself.  So I felt some pride because I got through a shitty time and didn’t drink and the voice still starts up anyway.  You know, the ‘too big for your own boots’ and ‘pride comes before a fall’ stuff.  It makes me want to scream because I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Where does this come from?  Is it just me who swings from feeling they are as worthless as something you just trod in to feeling like they are behaving like a cocky gobby upstart in the time it takes to blink?  Is this wolfie words from different angles?  I know Brene Brown talks about it as ‘foreboding joy’ and I blogged about it here.

I know it is related to practicing gratitude and I try to do that on a daily basis with my email gratitude buddy.  I know it’s because I come from a thinking pattern of shame, scarcity and fear and I rationally logically get that but when will my soul & heart catch up with my head?  I know it is related to vulnerability and the fear that it is going to be taken away.  But it is in my control damn it.  I control whether I pick up that first drink.  So why oh f**king why am I giving myself a hard time for doing well?  I emailed Belle recently saying that wolfie had donned steel toe-capped Doc Martin’s and was giving the inside of my skull a good kicking as that is what it felt like.  I said that the cacophony of self-sabotage had reached DEFCON 1 and I just wanted to check out and ‘get out of my head’.

And maybe that’s what it’s about.  I am so close to feeling like my shame, scarcity and fear is diminishing and receding that I have to try to destroy it.  Try to take the shine off of it by saying to myself it’s fragile and I’m not good enough to have this.  Trying to put myself back to Day 1 and maintaining the status quo of feeling shitty about myself.

It’s like this is wolfie’s last stand.  That if I can get to 9 months and not crack that a major milestone has been achieved.  If only in my head 😉 ……

92 days to go – hang on, it is 9 months today!!

25 thoughts on “Pride comes before a fall

  1. Lucy – sometimes I think it is just too big a task to understand all the stuphid, shitty thoughts that run around inside our heads. I think we are so conditioned to have these responses that it is hard to totally shake them off. I often find myself talking away like there are 2 mes. “Why are you even thinking about x,y or z?” I get irritated with myself. I just try to bat the thoughts away and keep ploughing onwards. All we can do is share and be here for eachother. At least we are not alone and we are all moving forwards so that has to be enough for now I guess. Just take a few minutes every day and remind yourself how many people rate you really highly – we can’t all be wrong xxxxx Keep going 🙂

    1. Kim Thank you and I will keep going. Belle and were chatting about turning the radio station in our head away from wolfie FM and getting further and further away from the transmittor so that we can’t hear him any more. I have to believe that the further away I am from drinking the quieter these voices will be 🙂 xx

  2. The voices in our head are just beyond head-wrecking!!! Mine are saying ” look at you. You think you’re so great. 6 days – whatever!?! You haven’t even gone out socially yet. This is just another one of your all-consuming fads – you’ll be over it by next week?..blah blah” to which I am saying “NO! This is it. This is my new way of living. Eff off!”

    Lucy, you are doing so well. ***9 months!!!!****Yes, you have every right to feel immensely proud of what you have achieved. And I know we are programmed to feel we never have the right to feel to feel proud. Yes, I imagine its good to always sound a note of caution to be on our guard a little. But right here, right now you are sober and you have been for the whole length of time it takes to make a whole human baby. How amazing is that. And on top of your own sobriety you are helping countless others like me start or maintain or restart their own voyage towards sobriety.

    1. Hey Haggis. You have the same voice as mine! 😉 As you say 9 months, I didn’t even manage this long without a drink when I was actually growing human babies *cue moment of shame*. I wouldn’t have stayed sober this long without all of you so it’s a win:win me wittering on here 🙂

  3. hey lovely – a number of thoughts:

    firstly enormous hugs to you.

    secondly did you read that post recently by soberlearning? the premise being that the wobbles we feel now wouldn’t even have registered on the Richter scale when we were drinking, and feeling colossally awful all the time. not in ANY WAY to belittle the feelings you are having now, she adds rapidly. but I have posted previously on my blog about the concept of perceived effort – that we are running faster and harder now but it still feels as tough because we are still operating at the same percentage of effort.

    thirdly WHOOP soberversary!!!!! and maybe Wolfie is waking up a bit accordingly? read often eg here https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/q71/s720x720/1422585_598537916878397_1909995141_n.jpg about PAWS recurring at ‘moon cycle’ intervals of 30 days. and I know you know this stuff. just wanted to not leave any stone unturned.

    which I think is what Wolfie is doing. watched a fox trying to get into a chicken run recently. he scrabbled away trying to find a weak point. tough life times? Wolfie digs there. feeling proud you achieved something? he scratches away at that instead. he will do anything, anything, to get in.

    get a bloody big gun and blow his pesky nose off if he dares peek round your door. you have jolly well got this. keep tooting your horn and driving your sober car down that road sweetheart! xxx

      1. ….and the post I referred to was by Fern at emotionaldrinkingdotcom… sorry all and Lucy please feel free to edit original comment so that I look like less of a chump 🙁

      2. So many good blogs to keep up with I often mix them up too so no edit necessary 😉 xx

    1. Hey Prim hugs received warmly 🙂 Didn’t read the post by soberlearning emotional drinking 😉 (could you link?) Like the moon cycle info – obviously wolfie likes to howl at the moon! Shall read and bear in mind lovely xx

      1. Thanks Prim 🙂 xx Just read and translated as: need to give myself a good kick up the arse then!! 😉

  4. Hey Lou – I was just wondering if any of these feelings may stem from the way we were raised as girls. I don’t know about you, but the message I got as a child of the 1970s was it’s good to be smart, driven, and competent on the inside, but downplay these attributes in public. In other words, don’t act too bossy, loud, or cocky. So we feel uncomfortable celebrating our successes because we perceive it as showing off. We’re so used to underplaying our abilities and strengths that we start to underestimate and undervalue ourselves.

    I also wondered if you’re like me in being hyper-vigilant and always preparing for the worst. For me, it manifests as a kind of magical thinking where I believe that if I feel too content or too happy, something horrible will happen. It’s crazy! I don’t have that power, and yet I stop myself from enjoying life sometimes because I’m afraid it will lead to bad things happening. I think it goes back to a chaotic childhood where I felt like I always had to be on the alert. Still working through that all these years later. Oy!

    I agree with Kim that many of us think very highly of you and we can’t all be wrong. Congratulations on 9 months! That is a HUGE accomplishment! And by the way, your posts help me every day. 🙂 Hang in there. You’re doing it!

    Julie

    1. I agree! That be great, but don’t expect praise and act like a lady voice.
      I always felt most of my drinking was self destructive. That voice asked who was I to be successful, fit, happy….better ruin it with booze so you have an excuse.
      Brene Browns ideas of perfectionism fit with this.
      I think the secret is to notice the thoughts and slow them to pass. Don’t give them life.
      Yay for 9 months. Inspiring!

      1. Hi Anne I think you are right in that I need to notice them and slow them to pass. Thanks! 🙂

    2. Hey Julie Insightful stuff and yes I agree about the ‘showing off’ 1970’s upbringing hangover. Also like you I grew up as a hyper-vigilant child because of my upbringing. Thank you for the kind words too, it means alot! 🙂

  5. I had a hard time around 9 months, too. I think milestones can be hard because it feels like we have come so far yet also done so little, if that makes any sense. This too shall pass, sister! I know I have a lot of messed up thinking that cannot be solved in 9 months or a year, but I try to focus on the fact that my life is improving all the time. It’s the ups and downs of life, right? Sending you a big hug; you are doing great! xo

    1. Hey Jen 🙂 That’s good to know that you also struggled at this point. As you say the ups and downs of life and you’re right – it has improved massively on 10 months ago! xx

  6. hang on. i have found months 9 and 10 really tough. seems tougher than starting in many ways. might also be because it is summer here resulting in multiple triggers to be battled. thanks also for offer to email you. i plan to …

    1. Hey atg Congrats on making it through months 9 and 10! 🙂 It’s seems odd how it can seem tougher now than in the early days and yes the summer does make me think of drinking too. Look forward to hearing from you on email.

    1. Hi Faith thank you for reading and commenting 🙂 I shall try to take less notice of what others think – except the kind comments on here 😉

  7. Hi Lou, late on commenting on this (there should be more time in the world for reading sober blogs!) – but did want to say, congrats on 9 months!! That is totally fab. And also that -aghhh – I know that feeling of, this is too good, it can’t last, something bad will happen. (I was super-anxious through my 3rd pregnancy with some weird thinking along those lines… ) And totally agree with Julie about the way we think as kids brought up in the 70s. Feeling good about yourself is not allowed – and that internal critic steps in every time, just to make sure you’re not getting “too big for your boots”. Just need bigger boots. 🙂 xxx

    1. Never too late to this party MTM! 😉 As you say we need bigger boots 😀 A comment on Soberistas also made me smile as they said ‘I don’t suspose that Edmund Hilary and Sherpa Tensing stood back and wondered if they were showing off! And here you are climbing your own Mount Everest.’ I really like that and shall hang on to that thought next time wolfie comes a calling! xx

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