lost control there, living free ….. These are the lyrics to one of my favourite tunes by Morcheeba which you can listen to here
So hello all back once more refreshed from a break but wishing it had been longer. This is what I wrote in my journal last night ‘4 days away from you and a change in mood. Just back from 4 days at Waxham Sands. Weather was kind, 4 of us in the confined space of the camper-van was testing at times. Did well in staying present only slipping away into sleep, reading my book and leaving the beach 30 mins early to eat an ice-cream in peace. Nice site, nice beach, booze wasn’t really missed or a concern’.
So no drinking occurred. I watched other people drinking and how they drank but in a distant kind of intellectual way. There was no emotion attached, no craving. The last night I wanted a drink but it wasn’t a craving for the substance more a desire to switch off and soften the reality of camping life. Prim as great as a camper-van sounds – yes it sleeps 4, has a sink, fridge, two ring hob and DVD player (and we love Ringo!) living on top of each other for an extended period of time is bloody hard particularly if you are a bit of a neat-freak like me! The kids just love it, but me and MrHOF fantasized about checking into a hotel 😉
The beach was glorious and the weather was beyond kind. It was easy to stay present lying on a golden sandy beach with the lapping of the waves as my soundtrack and with the sun warming my skin while the kids played in the sand-dunes and surf. But all that not drinking and not writing about not drinking stirred up some stuff. I have reflexively, since day 37, showed up here every day as a commitment to not drinking. The drinking is now less of an issue and the pause in it all had me reflecting on the value of what I do here.
I love the sea and the vastness of it all and it has always been my go to place if I have big things to think about and need some perspective. This time was no different and I found myself thinking about the blog and whether I wanted to continue with it all. I know, I know a complete about face on what I typed less than a week ago but that’s the thing you see – I’m in this no man’s land between my old life and my new life and it could all so easily just not happen if I change my mind. I’m just some faceless blogger on the internet and if I disappeared would it really matter? I’m not saying I’m going back to drinking – that feels suicidal to me now, but once I get to my one year soberversary I could just shut up shop and leave the store window open as a resource but move on with life without this being such a big part of it. I sense that this is fear speaking and in my old life I’d have drowned it out with booze, but I don’t do that any more, so now I do what I do and type it here and see what words of kindness and wisdom come back
57 – 56 – 55 – 54 days to go