lost control there, living free ….. These are the lyrics to one of my favourite tunes by Morcheeba which you can listen to here 🙂
So hello all back once more refreshed from a break but wishing it had been longer. This is what I wrote in my journal last night ‘4 days away from you and a change in mood. Just back from 4 days at Waxham Sands. Weather was kind, 4 of us in the confined space of the camper-van was testing at times. Did well in staying present only slipping away into sleep, reading my book and leaving the beach 30 mins early to eat an ice-cream in peace. Nice site, nice beach, booze wasn’t really missed or a concern’.
So no drinking occurred. I watched other people drinking and how they drank but in a distant kind of intellectual way. There was no emotion attached, no craving. The last night I wanted a drink but it wasn’t a craving for the substance more a desire to switch off and soften the reality of camping life. Prim as great as a camper-van sounds – yes it sleeps 4, has a sink, fridge, two ring hob and DVD player (and we love Ringo!) living on top of each other for an extended period of time is bloody hard particularly if you are a bit of a neat-freak like me! The kids just love it, but me and MrHOF fantasized about checking into a hotel 😉
The beach was glorious and the weather was beyond kind. It was easy to stay present lying on a golden sandy beach with the lapping of the waves as my soundtrack and with the sun warming my skin while the kids played in the sand-dunes and surf. But all that not drinking and not writing about not drinking stirred up some stuff. I have reflexively, since day 37, showed up here every day as a commitment to not drinking. The drinking is now less of an issue and the pause in it all had me reflecting on the value of what I do here.
I love the sea and the vastness of it all and it has always been my go to place if I have big things to think about and need some perspective. This time was no different and I found myself thinking about the blog and whether I wanted to continue with it all. I know, I know a complete about face on what I typed less than a week ago but that’s the thing you see – I’m in this no man’s land between my old life and my new life and it could all so easily just not happen if I change my mind. I’m just some faceless blogger on the internet and if I disappeared would it really matter? I’m not saying I’m going back to drinking – that feels suicidal to me now, but once I get to my one year soberversary I could just shut up shop and leave the store window open as a resource but move on with life without this being such a big part of it. I sense that this is fear speaking and in my old life I’d have drowned it out with booze, but I don’t do that any more, so now I do what I do and type it here and see what words of kindness and wisdom come back 🙂
57 – 56 – 55 – 54 days to go