Left my soul there, down by the sea

lost control there, living free …..  These are the lyrics to one of my favourite tunes by Morcheeba which you can listen to here :)

So hello all back once more refreshed from a break but wishing it had been longer.  This is what I wrote in my journal last night ‘4 days away from you and a change in mood.  Just back from 4 days at Waxham Sands.  Weather was kind, 4 of us in the confined space of the camper-van was testing at times.  Did well in staying present only slipping away into sleep, reading my book and leaving the beach 30 mins early to eat an ice-cream in peace.   Nice site, nice beach, booze wasn’t really missed or a concern’.

So no drinking occurred.  I watched other people drinking and how they drank but in a distant kind of intellectual way.  There was no emotion attached, no craving.  The last night I wanted a drink but it wasn’t a craving for the substance more a desire to switch off and soften the reality of camping life.  Prim as great as a camper-van sounds – yes it sleeps 4, has a sink, fridge, two ring hob and DVD player (and we love Ringo!) living on top of each other for an extended period of time is bloody hard particularly if you are a bit of a neat-freak like me!  The kids just love it, but me and MrHOF fantasized about checking into a hotel ;)

The beach was glorious and the weather was beyond kind.  It was easy to stay present lying on a golden sandy beach with the lapping of the waves as my soundtrack and with the sun warming my skin while the kids played in the sand-dunes and surf.  But all that not drinking and not writing about not drinking stirred up some stuff.  I have reflexively, since day 37, showed up here every day as a commitment to not drinking.  The drinking is now less of an issue and the pause in it all had me reflecting on the value of what I do here.

I love the sea and the vastness of it all and it has always been my go to place if I have big things to think about and need some perspective.  This time was no different and I found myself thinking about the blog and whether I wanted to continue with it all.  I know, I know a complete about face on what I typed less than a week ago but that’s the thing you see – I’m in this no man’s land between my old life and my new life and it could all so easily just not happen if I change my mind.  I’m just some faceless blogger on the internet and if I disappeared would it really matter?  I’m not saying I’m going back to drinking – that feels suicidal to me now, but once I get to my one year soberversary I could just shut up shop and leave the store window open as a resource but move on with life without this being such a big part of it.  I sense that this is fear speaking and in my old life I’d have drowned it out with booze, but I don’t do that any more, so now I do what I do and type it here and see what words of kindness and wisdom come back :)

57 – 56 – 55 – 54 days to go

 

23 thoughts on “Left my soul there, down by the sea

  1. ah, but the camper van would just be for ME :) :)

    glad you had a lovely sunkissed break. and the chance to do some big thinks away from the interwebs…good luck with the washing mountain now :)

    first reaction is that you should follow your heart about blogging… do whatever feels right for you. and have also pondered how my blogging will continue as I progress… but of COURSE we/I would miss you desperately if you signed off! and I know that for me floating away from my support networks would be a criminally bad idea.

    as ever I look at longer term sober folks and see how they do it. and yes some do stop blogging, or blog very intermittently. some no longer post themselves, but comment on other people’s blogs. some blog every couple of weeks, more as a creative writing exercise. and others really throw themselves into supporting other sober folks. all of these are the right answer. there is no one right answer.

    but there IS a wrong answer. the wrong answer is to take the road that leads to going back to drinking.

    so in my ‘umble opinion, choose a right answer! simples ;)

    glad you’re back! xxx

    1. Oh well if it’s just for you Prim then fabulous! It is a perfect room with a view for one ;) Ah yes washing mountain – it is stacked up behind me and because I can’t see it I’m not too overwhelmed by it! :D I suspect my wobble is wolfie dressed in different clothes as you say wandering away from you all would be insane. My worry is my self-worth gets too caught up in this stuff – I look to external strokes to validate my internal value and do I need to give up that dependence as much as I needed to give up the one to booze? Thinking out loud really and glad to be back xx

  2. Hi Lucy
    I’ve been reading Jason Vales book amongst others including Binkis, and so far the one thing he really bangs on about is fear and NOT living in recovery and day to day coping. That resonated with me as I don’t want to struggle for the rest of my life feeling miserable. You to my mind are free, you have chosen not to drink you LIKE not drinking so I don’t think anything including doing or not doing your blogg would tempt you back. On a very selfish level I would miss your blogg and I sure like for me it’s that little ray of sunshine that inspires many of us to find or freedom even if for some its a longer journey than others. You must do what’s right for you but PLEASE not out of fear, out of choice. Lots of love and hugs :)

    1. Hey Catlady Not read Jason Vale so thanks for sharing that. Fear is such a great driver isn’t it – and the saying that springs to mind is if you fear it then that is where you need to go! I don’t fear me drinking again (although that note of cockiness suggests I probably should!) I fear failure at developing the blog beyond where it is now and what if it doesn’t work? The choice exists but only in my head currently and do I risk the fear of failure to try to make it real/solid/concrete? xx

  3. I agree with what Prim says. Do what’s best for you. I don’t blog much anymore but I still read others daily and comment when I feel I can contribute. Life happens. We move on, our feet are firmly planted now. But we still need a shoulder to lean on now and then.
    Sharon

    1. Hey Sharon Amazeballs on your one year yesterday!! ;) What I want is to be paid to do something that I can fit around my kids where I feel not just passionate about the role but the organisation. Now if only a job like that existed!! :D

  4. Hey Lou, good to have you back :) Glad you had a good break, and wow! Amazing weather! I know what you mean about staring at the sea… I always feel I need to spend some time doing that. Is good for the soul. Re. the whole blogging thing… obv I can’t say what you should and shouldn’t do and I wouldn’t try, but I will say that I love your blog and I would miss it, and I wouldn’t be alone! And also that I guess it doesn’t necessarily need to continue the same way if you kept it up after a year. You have a solid journalistic / campaigning streak as part of it already, could you not take it further down that road? Whatever you do, lots of luck with it. Hugs. xxx

    1. Thanks MTM and yes my trance-like sea meditation was helpful :) I’m thinking about dropping the post frequency down to every other day – you know 1st year every day, 2nd year every 2nd day kinda thing. I’m not sure I’d be able to just switch it off tbh as my public health dander is up and I just can’t walk away from the issue when I have a 6 and an 8 year old. I think the news watching will definitely remain part of it and who knows what else will come? ;) xx

      1. so important to have someone in the health field who understands the issue and not from a full on rock bottom .. became homeless way. the hidden problem. the impact on the kids. the kids! they need to see an alternative way, modeled by parents who know. straight edge! it’s the way!

      2. Thanks atg :) I was thinking about you as I read the book and wrote this post – Big Brother and all ;) xx

  5. Welcome back Lucy…I admit I felt a little twinge of panic when I read your post this morning. You’re not just a faceless blogger and if you disappeared it WOULD matter–not trying to lay a guilt trip on you here ;) I agree with everyone else here, follow your heart. Your blog has helped me immensely, and I have found information here I probably never would have found on my own. I do think you have a lot to offer by educating people about the effects of drinking. You mentioned this wobble might be wolfie dressed in different clothes—was he perhaps in some skimpy thong speedo-type beach attire strolling along the shore?! Sending grateful hugs, xx

    1. Hey lori and that is very kind of you to say :) Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere and if wolfie was going to try to woo me back he would have long hair, be wearing surfing shorts and carrying a surf board ;) xx

  6. Welcome back from your holiday by the sea, Lucy. We missed you. I don’t write comments to you often, but I am a loyal follower of your blog, and I can tell you that you have already helped me tremendously. I am early in my journey, but you are undeniably one of the key factors that helped me get where I am today…your writing and your experience resonates with me, and if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have found the courage to know where to begin. Besides that, I find your medical background extremely helpful, and I feel that the medical aspect, plus your experience is something missing out here in soberblogsville! You have already added tremendous value to the community, just think how much more you could do!!!!My two cents, but I just wanted to let you know that you are doing important work and truly making a difference-Love, MaryMary XOXO

    1. Thank you MaryMary :) I am glad that what I write has been of help to you and that my experience is of value to you. I shall keep on keeping on then ;) xx

  7. Hi there, so glad you had a nice vacation. I agree with what everyone has written here, but ultimately it is what is in your heart. You replied something to catlady that made me stop and think. You said you fear developing the blog beyond now and what if it doesn’t work. I’m not sure what it meant, but I can say that it IS working now. You are moving others, touching others, helping others in their journey. Your blog has something to it that others don’t have a lot of (that I have come across)- the medical/research AND personal touch in one. I really love and need that researchy stuff, and many times people need to hear that stuff but they are too fragile or busy to go search it out themselves. Also, I hear you (totally!) about wanting to make a living at something worth while. This also made me think of ‘how do we define success’….it’s an individual question. To me, your blog is a beautiful success and always will be…anyway I think I’m rambling and not making a ton of sense right now. Missed your daily posts:) Glad your vacation was great:)

    1. Hi mallards4us don’t worry what is here will always be here. I just want to do more and am trying to work out a way of doing that. I have tried to design the thing that I would have wanted to find if it existed when I stopped and for me medical/research stuff is important and I’m glad you value it too. How many days for you now? :)

  8. Hi Lucy

    I would love to see more photos of the things you do and see that are so different now you don’t drink, exploring hobbies/ activities to fill the void and how to start them.Just a thought. You could develop a questionnaire for your followers to complete asking them what they would like to see and would find most helpful or inspiring. The surf dude with long hair would be a welcomstart ;)

    1. Great idea Catlady – will put that on my blog post to do list, starting with the surf dude ;) xx

  9. Hello Lucy xx Glad your break was restful and reflective. The thing that strikes me about your blog is what a huge amount of work you put into it. It is always so well researched and presented and you are doing it around work and family life. In fact sometimes I marvel at how you manage to put together something that is so professional. I often read and then don’t comment and I often feel a twinge of guilt that you deserve a response because you put so much into it from which we all benefit. So I guess I am saying that I would miss your words of wisdom hugely but I appreciate that it is a massive commitment to produce such a high quality blog as a sideline. Will respect whatever you decide to do and will continue to enjoy your writing in the meantime xxxx

    1. Hey Kim Thank you for the kind words and feedback about my blog. It doesn’t feel like a massive commitment if it helps people to make the decision to try and moderate or stop drinking. Helping others think about their drinking stops me from drinking ;) xx

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