So I’ve been having a bit of a wobble again and it wasn’t anticipated so that always shakes me up more than usual. It might just be PAWS again and I’m going to start keeping a record, as Prim suggested, but it might be something else and I need to learn from it to be better prepared next time.
When we’re coming up to big sober first events, such as birthday’s, parties and holidays we can anticipate, plan and prepare. I even wrote a series of posts on relapse and failed to take my own advice in this instance!
What triggered my monumental wobble? A job interview. Why? Because one of the reasons I drank was anxiety and managing it (I know I know, it makes it worse, rebound anxiety and all). The job interview itself went well but it is the peaks in anxiety both before the interview – what if I say the wrong thing? and afterwards – what if I said the wrong thing? that feed my anxiety and this awakens the inner critic. This quickly spiralled into vanishing self-compassion and positive feelings of self care towards myself and in a desire to drown out the negative chatter I wanted to reach for a drink to make it stop, albeit temporarily.
Perceived wisdom has it that you shouldn’t change anything major in the first year of recovery, and preferably even in the second year, as this can destabilise your fledgling sobriety. Oh how right that wisdom is and how I should have listened rather than thinking that I was (a) different or (b) stronger than that. The wisdom is there for a reason and it should be listened to and respected.
Why? Because although you can think about this stuff rationally, in terms of it’s a job interview and I have the skills and competence to deal with this and successfully secure the position, it will not necessarily help you in managing how you feel about the job interview process and putting yourself in situations that trigger your own insecurities in terms of anxiety and stress.
Lesson learned for next time which happens to be today as I have the second round of the interview process this afternoon. Let’s hope I handle it better than last time! 😉
32 days to go