So I said that I would share the final formulation that my CBT therapist gave me towards the end of us working together.
When I started CBT these were my goals:
- Thinking around drinking – if I unpicked this , could I go back to moderate drinking?
- How could I unpick my thinking about my overwhelming sense of personal responsibility
- I would like to take things less personally
- To change my default setting from the ‘it’s my fault/I’m to blame’ one
- To be functioning as an equal partner in my relationship (this was about my need to control not MrHOF)
- I want to be surer of myself
- I’d like to be more boundaried in relation to other people regarding them taking responsibility
- To have a stronger sense of self-worth
There has been vast improvements in all of them except no 1. That one is off the table as moderating isn’t the answer to the problem, drinking was part of the problem.
The words used in this are hers not mine and I would just ask for kindness in any responses about the information shared. This really is what a schematic of the inside of my head looks like in terms of how I think and therefore feel and goes a long way to explain why I drank. Partly to hide from these overwhelming feelings and partly to continue to confirm my own self-belief that I wasn’t good enough. Nice self-sabotage huh?
I had a whole set of rules in my head that I lived by and I thought they were immutable. Turns out they weren’t! 😉
I thought the world would collapse if I relaxed my grip on trying to control everything so that I had no negative consequences. Turned out I was driving those negative consequences by not loosening my grip!
CBT turned a great deal of my thinking on it’s head – and it needed to happen. I was literally my own worst enemy but only because I grew up thinking that I was and that this was a fact and would never change 🙁
Turns out I was wrong ……… my drinking thinking head was wrong. Turns out drinking wasn’t’ the answer or a help but the problem and a hindrance. And now it’s gone just like those rules and thoughts are slowly going too 🙂