The inside of my drinking thinking head

So I said that I would share the final formulation that my CBT therapist gave me towards the end of us working together.

When I started CBT these were my goals:

  1. Thinking around drinking – if I unpicked this , could I go back to moderate drinking?
  2. How could I unpick my thinking about my overwhelming sense of personal responsibility
  3. I would like to take things less personally
  4. To change my default setting from the ‘it’s my fault/I’m to blame’ one
  5. To be functioning as an equal partner in my relationship (this was about my need to control not MrHOF)
  6. I want to be surer of myself
  7. I’d like to be more boundaried in relation to other people regarding them taking responsibility
  8. To have a stronger sense of self-worth

There has been vast improvements in all of them except no 1.  That one is off the table as moderating isn’t the answer to the problem, drinking was part of the problem.

CBT formulation

The words used in this are hers not mine and I would just ask for kindness in any responses about the information shared.  This really is what a schematic of the inside of my head looks like in terms of  how I think and therefore feel and goes a long way to explain why I drank.  Partly to hide from these overwhelming feelings and partly to continue to confirm my own self-belief that I wasn’t good enough.  Nice self-sabotage huh?

I had a whole set of rules in my head that I lived by and I thought they were immutable.  Turns out they weren’t! 😉

I thought the world would collapse if I relaxed my grip on trying to control everything so that I had no negative consequences.  Turned out I was driving those negative consequences by not loosening my grip!

CBT turned a great deal of my thinking on it’s head – and it needed to happen.  I was literally my own worst enemy but only because I grew up thinking that I was and that this was a fact and would never change 🙁

Turns out I was wrong ……… my drinking thinking head was wrong.  Turns out drinking wasn’t’ the answer or a help but the problem and a hindrance.  And now it’s gone just like those rules and thoughts are slowly going too 🙂


14 thoughts on “The inside of my drinking thinking head

  1. You have done a lot of great work! This reminds me of cognitive behavioral therapy, the we have in the states. I have used it with good success in some areas of my life. The trying to control the outcomes, or the situation still gets me. I too need to let go!
    Thank you.

    1. Thanks Untipsy 🙂 I think many of us drinkers need to let go! *Frozen song now running in my head!*

  2. Well done on completing the course – sounds like it was very worthwhile and beneficial!

    1. Thanks soberp82 🙂 It was hugely beneficial and I would recommend it to anyone who is wondering if it might help them!

  3. I’m so happy that you discovered that those rules weren’t immutable. What joyous freedom you’ve earned. Hurrah 🙂 Thank you for your honesty here. It gives me such hope. Xxx

    1. Thanks Bea 🙂 If it has given you hope then it has made my sharing it worthwhile xx

  4. I have had CBT but like most things it got lost in the chaos of my head. I don’t think I really wanted to do the work…. Its interesting that you seem to have clarity and a bit of distance from those thoughts. I may need to revisit this in the New Year.
    Thank you for sharing x

    1. Claire – it sounds like you have good insight as to why it wasn’t successful in the past. It’s taken me a while to reach the point of clarity now that I’m not having ‘moments of claret’ instead 😉 The not drinking definitely helped me with the process and maybe it will you too? x

  5. Thanks for sharing 😉 Our poor brains! Constantly analyzing and trying to control and “fix” everything to measure up to our standards. I think while I was trying to control everything it made me spin out of control. I’m starting to feel “peace” and “acceptance” instead of control(or lack thereof). Like you said, we’re our own worst enemy. xx

  6. You have put so much work into understanding yourself and striving to make a better future. I appreciate everything you share as it makes me question myself and I always learn something xxx You are very brave and honest Lucy xxx

  7. Ha, yet again, I find we are walking in parallel without me realising it as I have not had time to read any other blog posts recently. You have done a lot of hard work, and it is bound to pay off for you. Well done, onwards and upwards! xxx

    1. Hey Nina! Great minds think alike 🙂 Onwards and upwards indeed xx

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