So sugar free has not been easy of late. The true nature of my emotional eating is starting to come out and it is not pleasant. I survived last Tues night out but only by asking MrHOF if we could go for a walk in the time we had before the theatre show as the Galaxy Counters on sale were calling to me really loudly and I came a fag paper away from caving. But I didn’t, we walked and got a coffee and came back and enjoyed the show which I can really recommend! http://www.onemanbreakingbad.com/. When I came home I did scoff about 150g of trail mix ….
Weds – really really struggling today. Tears, supportive phone call from sober buddy and yes I caved and succumbed to putting honey ON my fruit toast – 3 whole slices this afternoon followed by about 50g of trail mix. Made another batch of flapjacks and powerballs and had to batch test both of those too! Emotional upheaval going on and not having this perceived way of self-caring tipped me over the edge from coping to not coping very quickly. Much of it is reminiscent of drinking – in terms of the urge and the perceived need but I don’t compulsively eat like I used to in my early twenties when as a student nurse I was over two stone heavier than I am now. But elements of it remain and I need to find a way through that doesn’t feel punitive and perfection seeking and like it’s morphing into another issue for me to beat myself up over. As my sober buddy said once you recognise the triggers around booze it is very hard not to acknowledge them around other substances and behaviours and feels a bit like an insight minefield 🙁 Can I give back the red pill and take the blue pill please?
Thursday – last day of academic year for me at Cambridge, all work handed in. Really mixed emotion day of letting go and endings. Took flapjacks with me so not tempted by goodies in Buttery. We went for meal afterwards and while everyone drank wine I drank San Pellegrino and while everyone ate pudding I drank coffee. Didn’t have any pangs for either but had powerball when I got home as a reward. Throat really began to hurt in the evening and then all my low mood and tearfulness this week suddenly made sense – I’m coming down with something!
Friday – decided to give myself the day off life. No run, cleared inbox and then went back to bed with my echinacea, golden seal, sambucol and cats claw tea bags (all herbal remedies for colds and lurgies). Ate flapjacks and powerballs sporadically and took care of myself 🙂
Sat – ditto. May have eaten slightly more flapjacks and powerballs than was entirely necessary – but hey it wasn’t chocolate so that’s still a win as far as I’m concerned. Feed a cold right? 😉
Sun – ditto. Mother’s Day here and the kids bought me a mindfulness colouring book and pencils 🙂 I celebrated by putting honey on my fruit loaf and ate more flapjacks and powerballs. Getting pretty fed up of the lack of variety in my treats and have to say between Valentine’s Day, my wedding anniversary and now Mother’s Day no chocolate feels really puritan and mean to me now. Can you tell I’m not enjoying this at the moment? 😉 Had a really strong ‘f*ck it’ moment where I seriously considered not going to my AA meeting tonight but going to the cinema on my own to watch ’50 shades of grey’ whilst inhaling a bag of chocolates. Didn’t – went to meeting, dodged the biscuits winking at me and had a powerball or two when I got home later.
Mon – something about holding my ground yesterday felt like a turning point of sorts. Was feeling much better today. Took flapjack into volunteering and didn’t really have any urges as I queued to buy sarnie’s in M&S with displays of Easter chocolate surrounding me. Lets hope it continues as I really don’t want another week like this past week again!!
Tues – officially bored of this now. Me, tantruming? Noooooo 😉 Same diet, no changes. Why is it though if I eat the same chocolate I don’t seem to get bored, but with this I am? What’s that about? I feel hugely more ‘f*ck it’ about this than I did about booze funnily enough. I shan’t break my fast though because I’m stubborn like that …..