So I feel like I stand at a crossroads – hence why the awesome Eric Clapton rendition of the tune Crossroads is dropping into the sober jukebox tonight.
In my first year of getting sober I was working as a school nurse and in the very early days of living life on life’s terms without booze. I started my blog and became fully immersed in the sober blogosphere as much as my work and family commitments would allow! As I entered my second year I gave up that job and ended up working pretty much full time on the blog and setting up my additional support services around helping others reduce or stop drinking (the ebook, the online Udemy course and the collaborative How to Quit workshop with Club Soda). They are all now established and I am very proud of these – my creations and gifts of sobriety. That full year of focus also allowed me to be present in many of the sober online communities and support others by commenting on their blogs as well as continuing to create content for my own on a daily basis, alongside supporting my family and run a home 🙂
I am now entering the third year and as the last 7 weeks have shown me life is beginning to re-exert itself what with moving house and a new job. I have not been as present in those communities or supporting others in their blogs and I feel guilt about this. How can I expect others to come and read and comment on my blog if I don’t have the time to offer the same courtesy? It’s supposed to be a mutual support network and hence the crossroads …….
So this is where I’m at: I’ve secured nursing work on all the days I wanted between now and the end of January. I was not expecting this to happen and they would have me there full time if I said yes. However, I want to continue to volunteer one day a week at the local drug and alcohol treatment centre and I have one day a week now committed to continuing my post grad studies at the University of Cambridge. What with two days a week nursing that leaves but one day to work on HOF Life. Is that enough?
I’m back to the age old feeling of this not being ‘good enough’ and therefore ‘I am not good enough’. I don’t want to turn away paid nursing work in the current economic climate and like the idea of portfolio working as the variety helps maintain my interest and I’m still here working on my sobriety via the blog and volunteering – just not as much. I would like to continue to write content as so much news and research is coming through on a daily basis that I want to cover. I want to continue all that I have created but I fear that I’m going to run out of time or that my family life is going to suffer. My black and white/all or nothing thinking is telling me that this is not possible and that I need to make a choice. It feels a bit Hobson’s choice to be honest.
I appreciate that I am bleating about a very first world problem and I should probably just get over myself but I don’t want to let others down here. I also realise I am future tripping because I have no way of knowing how things will work until I get there but those old catastrophising tendencies haven’t yet been fully rewired 😉 I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts 🙂