Daily Archives: 03/06/2016

Friday Sober Jukebox – I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

Boys are back in townAnother excuse to post a picture of the lovely Phil Glenister as this track is also on the soundtrack to Life on Mars ūüėȬ† This song spun round and back into my consciousness recently and bought tears to my eyes.¬† Beautiful song, lyrics about being free and a reminder of the Barry Norman fronted BBC1‘s Film programme which I used to love to watch.

Why did it resonate so strongly?¬† Well a couple of things – I’m 2 weeks off of 1000 days which is a MASSIVE milestone and will see me stop counting days!¬† Plus I had a week-end recently where I felt like I had met my ghost of drinking future.¬† We were staying with very old friends who we used to drink with heavily.¬† We haven’t seen them for a couple of years because of the changes and choices we have made in our lives recently.¬† It was so lovely to see them but their drinking remained as before so things felt discordant between us.¬† We were now living completely different lives to our shared past.

I was also mindful about my co-dependent traits and people-pleasing ways and desperately wanted to fit in with them again.  That manifested in me and MrHOF having a few drags of a cigarette (which tasted vile and disproved my fear that this action would lead me back to drinking!).  Such was my need to feel okay.

I felt so sad and guilty around them – survivor’s guilt maybe?¬† I wanted them so much to know that I understood, that a happy life was possible without booze and that I was an ally not a threat but they were still so stuck they were beyond my reach.¬† In the end I couldn’t wait to leave because it just felt so uncomfortable for all of us and was making me feel very anxious.

Hence why this tune caused tears.¬† Tears of joy.¬† As Nina sings ‘I wish I knew how it would feel to be free’ and that’s the thing, I do!¬† This stopping drinking thing is the most liberating thing I have ever done and that week-end was a stark reminder of where my life would have been if I had continued and where it is now having stopped.¬† I would not trade it for any thing or any amount of money.¬† It is literally PRICELESS to me and my family ūüôā

Over to Nina ……

PS New Seedlip alert!


The launch of the second addition to the Seedlip range, a free spirit inspired by the English countryside:

 Seedlip Garden 108.

Boasting strong green and floral top notes,¬†Seedlip Garden 108¬†is a blend of individual copper-pot distillates including¬†traditional herbs; spearmint, rosemary & thyme as well as¬†handpicked peas and hay from founder Ben’s family farm.
Best sipped long with bitter lemon or elderflower tonic.


Seedlip Spice 94
Seedlip Garden 108

are now available directly via their beautifully designed new website here:


Which means those outside of the UK can now order them! (with shipping costs) ūüėČ