Friday Sober Jukebox – I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

Boys are back in townAnother excuse to post a picture of the lovely Phil Glenister as this track is also on the soundtrack to Life on Mars 😉  This song spun round and back into my consciousness recently and bought tears to my eyes.  Beautiful song, lyrics about being free and a reminder of the Barry Norman fronted BBC1‘s Film programme which I used to love to watch.

Why did it resonate so strongly?  Well a couple of things – I’m 2 weeks off of 1000 days which is a MASSIVE milestone and will see me stop counting days!  Plus I had a week-end recently where I felt like I had met my ghost of drinking future.  We were staying with very old friends who we used to drink with heavily.  We haven’t seen them for a couple of years because of the changes and choices we have made in our lives recently.  It was so lovely to see them but their drinking remained as before so things felt discordant between us.  We were now living completely different lives to our shared past.

I was also mindful about my co-dependent traits and people-pleasing ways and desperately wanted to fit in with them again.  That manifested in me and MrHOF having a few drags of a cigarette (which tasted vile and disproved my fear that this action would lead me back to drinking!).  Such was my need to feel okay.

I felt so sad and guilty around them – survivor’s guilt maybe?  I wanted them so much to know that I understood, that a happy life was possible without booze and that I was an ally not a threat but they were still so stuck they were beyond my reach.  In the end I couldn’t wait to leave because it just felt so uncomfortable for all of us and was making me feel very anxious.

Hence why this tune caused tears.  Tears of joy.  As Nina sings ‘I wish I knew how it would feel to be free’ and that’s the thing, I do!  This stopping drinking thing is the most liberating thing I have ever done and that week-end was a stark reminder of where my life would have been if I had continued and where it is now having stopped.  I would not trade it for any thing or any amount of money.  It is literally PRICELESS to me and my family 🙂

Over to Nina ……

PS New Seedlip alert!


The launch of the second addition to the Seedlip range, a free spirit inspired by the English countryside:

 Seedlip Garden 108.

Boasting strong green and floral top notes, Seedlip Garden 108 is a blend of individual copper-pot distillates including traditional herbs; spearmint, rosemary & thyme as well as handpicked peas and hay from founder Ben’s family farm.
Best sipped long with bitter lemon or elderflower tonic.


Seedlip Spice 94
Seedlip Garden 108

are now available directly via their beautifully designed new website here:

Which means those outside of the UK can now order them! (with shipping costs) 😉

14 thoughts on “Friday Sober Jukebox – I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

  1. I sure understand about seeing people still drinking too much, and how it makes you anxious.
    I am invited to another close couple friend party, where everyone drinks a lot.
    It makes me anxious too.
    I hope to see some fireworks from over the sea when you reach 1,000 days!

    1. I hope it goes ok Wendy 🙂 I’ll see what I can do about fireworks! xx

  2. Can relate to this, met heavy drinking friends who have not seen for 18 months plus, though they looked aged and rough, was uncomfortable situation so left pub early.

    1. Hey David 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. Sounds like leaving early was a wise strategy!

  3. The song gave me good goosebumps so thank you dear Lou

    I was thinking the other day that you must be coming up to four figures – celebration definitely called for! Xxx

  4. 1000 days! Congratulations. I’m currently at 3 months & I think I’m doing well thanks to your help & encouragement – the emails from A Hangover Free life are always relevant. I’m glad I don’t need to have the experience of getting together with others who drank too much. I take full personal responsibility for the large amount of drinking I did mostly alone – not socially. It feels good to be free even if I can only count 3 months – thanks for your support – AM

    1. Hey Anne-Marie Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog 🙂 Plu huge congrats on 3 months – that is a major milestone!! I’m so happy that my emails are supporting your recovery journey and long may it continue xx

  5. Lucy – sounds like you and I had a similar experience this week. I saw some friends and it was bittersweet. My friends Mum looked so frail and obviously ‘a drinker’…. I was sad for her.

    Mahoosive congrats on 1000 days
    Xx Claire

    1. That’s exactly the right word for it Claire – bittersweet, thank you 🙂 And thanks for the congrats too! xx

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