Monthly Archives: August 2017

Sober Inspiration: Stepping away from Self-Improvement

So I seem to be getting the same message from different sources and in different mediums.  I’m guessing I need to take note!  This also mirrors a conversation I had with Prim about how I’d overdone it somewhat in the self-help reading and had emotionally overwhelmed myself in the process 🙁  So in a direct snapback to that I then read the book Stand Firm: Resisting the Self-Improvement Craze (see image) and then serendipitously listen to a podcast interview with Danielle LaPorte where in discussing her new book White Hot Truth – she hits upon similar themes 🙂

His book’s premise is this:

The pace of modern life is accelerating. To keep up, we must keep on moving and adapting – constantly striving for greater happiness and success. Or so we are told. But the demands of life in the fast lane come at a price: stress, fatigue and depression are at an all-time high, while our social interactions have become increasingly self-serving and opportunistic.
 
How can we resist today’s obsession with introspection and self-improvement? In this witty and bestselling book, Danish philosopher and psychologist Svend Brinkmann argues that we must not be afraid to reject the self-help mantra and ‘stand firm’. The secret to a happier life lies not in finding your inner self but in coming to terms with yourself in order to coexist peacefully with others. By encouraging us to stand firm and get a foothold in life, this vibrant anti-self-help guide offers a compelling alternative to life coaching, positive thinking and the need always to say ‘yes!’

It introduces 7 steps:

  1. Cut out the navel gazing
  2. Focus on the negative in your life
  3. Put on your No hat
  4. Suppress your feelings
  5. Sack your coach
  6. Read a novel – not a self-help book or biography
  7. Dwell on the past

He espouses the Hellenic tradition of Stoicism:

Stoicism is predominantly a philosophy of personal ethics which is informed by its system of logic and its views on the natural world. According to its teachings, as social beings, the path to happiness for humans is found in accepting that which we have been given in life, by not allowing ourselves to be controlled by our desire for pleasure or our fear of pain, by using our minds to understand the world around us and to do our part in nature’s plan, and by working together and treating others in a fair and just manner.

“Will-power is like muscle strength, the Stoics believed: the more we exercise it, the better and stronger it becomes.  No matter how silly such innocent examples might sound, it isn’t so stupid to practice turning down a dessert, a glass of wine or a lift in a car.  Self-control is one of the absolutely key virtues for the Stoics, albeit one that encounters a degree of adversity in our accelerating culture, with its penchant for ‘living in the moment’ and its exhortations to ‘Just Do It!’ as the ad says”.

He goes on to say: “As an ‘anti self-help philosophy’ I definitely think it’s useful, partly because it emphasises self-control, a sense of duty, integrity, dignity, peace of mind and a willingness to come to terms with (rather than find) yourself.”

Quite.  Practical pragmatism if you will.

And Danielle is riding the same vibe too it would seem as a reflection of the backlash against the self-improvement movement.  Her book asks:

Has your self-help become self-criticism?

White Hot Truth is a wise and often (hilariously) relatable exploration of the conflicts between spiritual aspiration and our compulsion to improve, from Oprah SuperSoul 100 member, Danielle LaPorte.

Danielle cheerleads seekers to fully own their wisdom by having a good laugh (and maybe a good cry) at all the ways we’ve been trying to improve on our self-improvement.

I’ve enjoyed reading and listening to these and hope you do to 🙂

Being drunk in charge of a child can get you arrested

So this was featured in The Independent in July and was picked up by Alcohol Policy UK.   After a Russian heiress was found guilty of being drunk in charge of a child, the Independent dug out the 1902 licensing act.

The Summer’s social calendar is already in swing events from family barbecues to village fetes already lining up. However, while drinking when in charge of children at family events is common practice, it is also actually a breach of the law.

With even David Cameron leaving his eight-year-old daughter behind at a pub back in 2012, parents drinking while looking after their children is an everyday occurrence. But a century old law forbids the behaviour.

Being drunk while in charge of a child under the age of seven is illegal according to the 1902 licencing act. The law states that a fine or up to a month’s imprisonment would result if “any person is found drunk in any highway or other public place, or on any incensed premises, while having the charge of a child.”

“The threshold would be whether the child was compromised. If you’re having lunch with a couple of glasses of wine, you probably wouldn’t be considered drunk in charge of a child,” solicitor advocate Joy Merriam tells The Sun.

Being alert and capable of safeguarding your child are the key responsibilities that could be compromised by drinking irresponsibly. If parents are unable to look after their children and protect them from physical harm they could be committing the offence.

“There is no fixed amount under the current legislation, but it could certainly be argued that if you are an adult solely responsible for a child, it is better not to drink alcohol at all,” family lawyer Jo Shortland tells The Independent. 

However, Ms Merriam adds that in cases of this type where parents are arrested on suspicion of the offence, prosecutions are infrequent and most commonly passed on to social services.   

“Those responsible for children need to consider their own limitations and take a sensible approach to alcohol consumption,” family lawyer Deborah Heald tells The Independent. 

The charity Drinkaware also released the following advice for parents: “Drink within the low risk alcohol unit guidelines of not regularly drinking more than 14 units per week for both men and women, and spreading them evenly over three days or more. This shows your child that adults can enjoy alcohol in moderation.”

Edited to add: I suspect this includes if you are drunk on a plane!

Revealed: The growing problem of drunk and abusive fliers – and the worst routes for bad behaviour

Panorama: Plane Drunk (BBC One Panorama 8.30 pm tonight)

 

Friday Sober Jukebox: Humour as a defence (Lit)

humourThere were so many gems in Sally Brampton’s book ‘Shoot the Damn Dog‘ that I have already shared here before.  This is also utterly true and resonated for me – humour as a defence.  I’m a nurse – gallows humour is our professions stock-in-trade.

First Sally’s words:

They don’t like jokes in group therapy.  Humour is a defence.  I am in denial, they say, which is just another word for smart ass.  I use humour to hide behind, because I cannot bear to feel my feelings, cannot face the truth.  I use too many words, they say.  I hide behind language.  I intellectualise my feelings and then explain them away.

‘Stop using your head, Sally.  How do you feel?’.

‘How can I tell you how I feel if I don’t use words?’

They sigh.  I can see the word ‘difficult’ captured in bubbles above their heads.

‘Feel the feelings’ they say, again.

And then what? My feelings are stuck in my throat.  The feelings that I can’t, actually put into words.

Once again, she nails me, completely.  Yes, yes, yes.  Thank you Sally 🙂

And this is what Psychology Today says:

This may explain why some psychologists classify humour as one of the “mature” defense mechanisms we invoke to guard ourselves against overwhelming anxiety (as compared to the “psychotic,” “immature,” and “neurotic” defense mechanisms). Being able to laugh at traumatic events in our own lives doesn’t cause us to ignore them, but instead seems to prepare us to endure them.

Perhaps laughter could be most properly considered as a weapon against suffering and despair. If we can joke about a disappointing or traumatic event, we’ll often find ourselves feeling that what’s happened to us isn’t so bad and that we’ll be able to get through it. This expectation serves two vitally important functions:

  1. It diminishes or even eliminates the moment-by-moment suffering we might otherwise experience as a result of a traumatic loss, which
  2. Actually makes it more likely we will make it through a trauma unmarred and flourish once again

So back to gallows humour then.  This is what Wiki says:

Sigmund Freud in his 1927 essay Humour (Der Humor) puts forth the following theory of the gallows humor: “The ego refuses to be distressed by the provocations of reality, to let itself be compelled to suffer. It insists that it cannot be affected by the traumas of the external world; it shows, in fact, that such traumas are no more than occasions for it to gain pleasure.”

As the Psychology Today article continues: Laughter is a powerful means by which we can encourage ourselves. That when confronted with setbacks, adversity, trauma, or terrible news, even if it may seem socially inappropriate, we should reach toward humor. We should try to find a way to make light of whatever circumstances make us afraid. Because if instead of focusing on the negative impact of an adverse event or experience we focus on simply laughing about it, actively and consciously pursuing a perspective that makes it funny, we just may be able to activate the most under recognized but powerful weapon we have against suffering.

MrHOF asked for this to be the Friday Sober Jukebox and the video made me laugh 😉

PS Don’t forget that this Sunday London hosts its first Mindful Drinking Festival!

Guest Blog Post: Mindful Drinking Festival & Alcohol Free Drinks In Recovery

So this is a quick plug for my friends over at Club Soda and a guest blog post they have written in support of their upcoming Mindful Drinking Festival (see details to the left)

Over to Jussi:

Alcohol-free beers and wines can be a controversial topic for people in recovery. Many feel that they should be avoided completely. Why keep drinking something that reminds you of alcohol? Won’t they just lead you back to the full-strength stuff eventually? These are all valid points, coming from years of experience by many people.

Club Soda is a Mindful Drinking Movement, which means that we support people whatever their drinking goals are. Some want to quit completely, some want to take a temporary “sober sprint”, some want to cut down in some way. We believe these are all valuable goals – any reduction in alcohol use is good news.

Alcohol-free beers and wines is a topic that comes up regularly in our online community. There are strongly held views both for and against them. It was never our aim to promote any particular drinks. But we have heard from so many of our members how swapping their usual beers and wines to a non-alcoholic or even a lower alcohol version has helped them to dramatically change their habits.

But we also believe that only you can decide for yourself. If you don’t think a non-alcoholic beer is right for you, then absolutely do not try them. We do always say that if you find a drink a “trigger” for alcohol, then it is best to stay away. There are plenty of soft drinks to drink which will not remind you of alcohol.

A further interesting twist to this discussion took place recently on our Facebook Group: how does people’s relationship with AF drinks change over time? This is what Ellen wrote:

“At 8 months sober, I can really take them or leave them. However in early sobriety, especially over Christmas, I TOTALLY depended on them. There was a time I could drink a whole AF wine fairly fast and open another. Now though, I honestly hardly even want a bottle.”

Melanie responded in a similar way:

“I’m at 8 months and like you drink a lot less af drinks now than I first did. A weekend treat or if the girls are over. They have their uses but I guess I’ve now broken the habit!!”

Many others added comments on the same lines: used to drink more or less the same amount of AF drinks as they used to drink alcoholic drinks in the beginning of their sober journey, but have reduced their consumption over time. Many of the people with a few sober months under their belt said they only drank AF drinks on special occasions: most often when out in a pub. Partly to “blend in”, partly to have something “grown up” to drink, rather than a sugary lemonade.

The good news is that there is a real revolution going on in the drinks industry. There are more and more good quality non-alcoholic beers and wines available both in shops and bars. And many other new drinks are also making an appearance, from craft sodas to fermented tea drink kombucha.

Many of the new drinks can still be difficult to find though. That is why Club Soda is organising the UK’s first ever Mindful Drinking Festival – bringing together all the best alcohol-free drinks (0.5% and below) in one place: not just wines and beers, but also soft drinks, kombucha, mocktails, fine teas and much more. The event is free to attend, and lets you taste all the best new drinks, and find some new favourites for every occasion!

The Club Soda Mindful Drinking Festival is on 13th August, from midday to 6pm, at Bermondsey Square, London SE1 3UN. Entry is free, and you can RSVP online at mindfuldrinkingfestival.com.

We would love to see you there and hear your views.

I would love to be there that day but sadly will be working my day job 🙁  If you go do drop me a comment here to tell me what you sampled!

Sober inspiration: Co-dependency vs Self-Love Deficit Disorder

I’m currently reading Melody Beattie Co-dependent No More and that prompted me to dust off this post which has been in draft format for over 2 years!! :O So on my day 600 I shared a video that looked at co-dependency that carried a warning and I know from feedback that it caused a few wobbles.  Well imagine my delight when I watched this Jason Silva Shots of Awe where he says ‘what’s wrong with co-dependence?’.  Obviously we’re talking healthy rather than unhealthy co-dependence  here but just the same relying on other human beings is not in and of itself a bad thing!

Here’s his video:

And then consider this also as pioneered by Ross Rosenberg:

Men and women always have been drawn into romantic relationships instinctively, not so much by what they see, feel or think, but more by an invisible and irresistible relationship force. “Chemistry,” or the intuitive knowingness of perfect compatibility, is synonymous with the Human Magnet Syndrome.

He has 18 guiding principles of Self-Love Deficit Disorder and The Human Magnet Syndrome which you can read in full here, but below is a taster with the first principle outlined.

1. “Codependency” is an outdated term that connotes weakness and emotional fragility, both of which are far from the truth. The replacement term, “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” or SLDD takes the stigma and misunderstanding out of codependency and places the focus on the core shame that perpetuates it. Inherent in the term itself is the recognition of the core problem of codependency, as well as the solution to it.

Above is his Self-Love Abundancy Pyramid where the goal of SLDD recovery, or “The Codependency Cure”™ is the healing the trauma responsible for one’s self-love deficit (SLDD) and the acquisition of self-love or “Self-Love Abundance” or SLA.  

I’ll drink a sparkling water to that! 🙂