Category Archives: Sober inspiration

Sober Inspiration: The Tao of Fully Feeling

So I’m reading a new book that I heard talked about recently by Pete Walker called The Tao of Fully Feeling.  I’m only a few pages in but text is already jumping out at me and screaming to be shared!

Here’s the opening:

Feelings and emotions are energetic states that do not magically dissipate when they are ignored.  When we do not attend to our feelings, they accumulate inside us and create a mounting anxiety that we commonly dismiss as stress.

So, like so many of us, I believed that all those years of pouring wine down my neck to manage ‘stress’ was helpful.  In reality I was busy self-medicating away my feelings and emotions.

I felt that emotions were something to be corralled, minimised, denied even.  In my household growing up we ‘didn’t do’ emotions as we were often reminded.  I now understand that we weren’t allowed to do negative emotions.  I learned very early on to keep my head down, my mouth shut and a smile on my face.  Look happy even if you were dying inside.  No wonder I ended up emotionally constipated and believing that drinking allowed me to express my emotions fully because it was only in that dis-inhibited state that I actually heard them as they roared from their cage inside.  “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart” right?  A saying often attributed to French Enlightenment philosopher Jean-Jaques Rousseau which we know not to be true.

Pete goes on:

We can learn to be emotional in benign ways.  We can have our emotions without holding onto them.  We can soften and relax into our feelings without exiling or enshrining them.  We can let our feelings pass through us when they have fully served their function.  When we learn to experience our feelings directly, we eventually discover that surrendering to them is by far the most efficient – and, in the long run, least painful – way of responding to them.  We realise first-hand that life does not have to be pain-free to be fully enjoyed.  Life is inordinately more painful than necessary when we hate, shame, and abandon ourselves for not feeling ‘good.’

As we become more emotionally whole, our health and vitality naturally improve.  When we disburden ourselves of old unresolved trauma, energy wasted holding the past at bay becomes available for celebrating daily life.  As we learn to befriend our emotions, we suffer less and less from self-damaging flights from feelings.  We gracefully accept the reality that our emotional nature, like the weather, often changes unpredictably with a variety of pleasant and unpleasant conditions.  We realize that a positive feeling cannot be induced to persist any more than the sun can be forced to continuously shine.

And this reflects my experience over the last 3 1/2 years.  Emotions are no longer something to be scared of but welcomed and embraced, whether happy, sad or mad.  My emotional repertoire has grown incredibly as I have allowed my caged and numbed heart to feel what my head was taught to deny for so long.

Welcome to emotional recovery that forms the biggest part of recovery from addiction.  I think I’m going to really enjoy this book 🙂

 

Sober Inspiration: Tiny Beautiful Things

Oh man.  I watched an interview with Cheryl Strayed recently and it compelled me to seek out her writing.  I’d already seen the film Wild and it had reduced me to tears so I knew what this women had to say would resonate – if you haven’t seen the film I’ve left the trailer below as encouragement 😉 Same age, difficult experiences, truth teller – my kind of woman!   And so I ordered Tiny Beautiful Things from the library and have not been disappointed.  As Amazon writes: ‘This bestselling book from the author of Wild collects the best of The Rumpus’s Dear Sugar advice columns plus never-before-published pieces. Rich with humor, insight, compassion—and absolute honesty—this book is a balm for everything life throws our way.’

Here’s just a few of her gems:

There’s a saying about drug addicts that they stop maturing emotionally at the age they start using, and I’ve known enough addicts to believe this to be true enough.”

The healing power of even the most microscopic exchange with someone who knows in a flash precisely what you’re talking about because she experienced that thing too cannot be overestimated….. Find online communities where you can have conversations with people during which you don’t have to pretend a thing….. This is how you get unstuck.  You reach….. She had to want it more than she’d wanted anything.  She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and swim like fuck away from every bad thing.  She had to count the years and let them roll by, to grow up and then run as fast as she could in the direction of her best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by her own desire to heal.

Acceptance has everything to do with simplicity, with sitting in the ordinary place, with bearing witness to the plain facts of our life, with not just starting at the essential, but ending up there.  Acceptance asks only that you embrace what’s true.  Allow your acceptance to be a transformative experience.  You do that by simply looking it square in the face and then moving on.  You don’t have to move fast or far.  You can go just an inch.  You can mark your progress breath by breathI have breathed my way through so many people who I felt wronged by; through so many situations I couldn’t change.  Sometimes while doing this I have breathed in acceptance and breathed out love.  Sometimes I’ve breathed in gratitude and out forgiveness.  Sometimes I haven’t been able to muster anything beyond the breath itself, my mind forced blank with nothing but the desire to be free of sorrow and rage.

Self-pity is a dead-end road.  You make the choice to drive down it.  It’s up to you to decide to stay parked there or to turn around and drive out.”

When bad things happen, often the only way back to wholeness is to take it all apart.”

I’ll leave you with this:

What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I’d done something I shouldn’t have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I’d done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything differently than I had done? What if I’d actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?
Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Friday Sober Jukebox – Ghosts in the Machine

ghosts-in-the-machineSo this feels like a timeless sober jukebox tune for a timeless post.  I’m actually writing this at the end of October 2016 because I have been struggling with some recurring demons – my ghosts in the machine as it were.

Coming from the family experience that I do I struggle with fear and anxiety pretty regularly and it settles for long periods of time and then flairs up again.  Invariably I think that I have more power than I do and that everything is my fault, everything will fall apart and it will all be my fault.  I listened to a Yoga Church podcast last night called ‘Step Out of Your Past and Into Your Now’ that got me thinking about this again as I struggle to get on top of another bout of raging anxiety and fear.

shadow-dancerMeadow and Laura McKowen were talking about the words that define their past and for me those two words, fear and anxiety, express it pretty succinctly.  They discussed coming up with an image that portrayed this and pretty similarly to Laura the one I landed on was shadow dancer.  I spent my entire life dancing to the tune of others to dodge the shadows of fear and anxiety – either my own or those of others around me.  No wonder I ended up in the bottom of a bottle!

This image and these words must then be honoured and let go in a ritual of some kind of your making.  To me it felt like I had to sit with them and not dance myself away from them and my shadow side.  To be honest the trigger events have prompted a great deal of soul searching and somatic discomfort so I feel like this has been part of the process and hence why it is time to move on from being stuck in these feelings.

explorerHaving created the image and words that defined the past the task was then to create ones to replace these for the future.  My brain was pretty fried by this point (or I was simply disassociating under the stress of it!) but with the help of MrHOF we came up with calm and fearless as the words and the image was explorer.

This image seemed fitting in terms of my internal exploring of more positive feelings and our external plans for travel as a family too 😉

This is an ongoing process and I continue to have waves of emotional upheaval but like the waves of craving to drink they come less often and are less intense and I see them build to crescendo and break now so I’m making progress.  I recommend you give it a try what with the heralding of a new year not that long ago.

And now to one of my favourite albums 🙂

Friday Sober Inspiration: Stop Abandoning Yourself

chris-carr-stop-abandoning-yourselfThis is another excerpt from Sally Brampton’s ‘shoot the damn dog’ because her words are too powerful not to share.  This passage is about self-abandonment where she has a discussion with her therapist who explains that she needs to stop abandoning herself.

“‘Stop abandoning yourself’ a therapist, Elizabeth, once said to me.  ‘What?’ I didn’t understand.  She explained it like this: 

  • Every time you feel sad and swallow down your tears, you abandon yourself.
  • If someone hurts you and you pretend that you are fine, you abandon yourself.
  • Every time you don’t eat, or fail to feed yourself, you abandon yourself.
  • If you are tired, but refuse to rest, you abandon yourself.
  • If you drink too much and poison yourself with alcohol,  you abandon yourself.
  • If you don’t ask for what you need from someone with whom you are intimate, you abandon yourself.
  • If you don’t ask for help when you need it, you abandon yourself.

‘You suffer’ Elizabeth said, ‘from a failure of care’.  From who? ‘From yourself’, she says. And before that, from your parents.  They are the ones who should have taught you how to take care of yourself.

An inability to take care of oneself or soothe oneself is a sign of immaturity.  It is a failure of understanding, or of teaching.  If you are not taught as a child how to take care of yourself, you do not know as an adult.  The pattern becomes ingrained.  You are now an adult inhabited by a child.  The child pleads, the adult overrules.  You deny yourself proper care.

And so, as I understand it, I adjusted to constant loss as well as the inability to articulate any distress on, as one therapist described it, an ‘adapted’ level.  The term, ‘adapted child’ was originally used by Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis in the 1950’s.  Essentially it means the compliant, orderly side of us that hides anger, pleases others and generally acts the good boy or girl.  The more the behaviour is rewarded (and the more that any other behaviour is punished or, more usually, ignored) the more we adapt ourselves to keeping quiet and not making a fuss.  Put in another way, we adopt the position known in therapeutic terms as ‘abandonment or withdrawal’.

It is not, either, only the still, pale, silent child who has withdrawn.  Withdrawal takes place at a far deeper level and may be disguised by a bright, lively and social exterior – the sort of exterior that indicates compliance because compliance brings its own rewards.

A child who feels ignored or misunderstood turns that message against themselves.  It becomes, ‘I have no right to  feel the way that I do’.  And an analyst will, inevitably, take that to yet another level.  A child whose deeper feelings are constantly minimised, challenged or simply ignored, ends up believing, ‘I have no right to be the way that I am.  I reject myself’.”

We unconsciously reject ourselves so don’t even realise when we are then abandoning ourselves.  And booze is a really good salve for self-rejection.  No pain, no feeling right?  It also helps us play up to that bright, lively social exterior that hides our withdrawn inner self.  This could have been describing me.

Now you see why sober self-care is such a big deal out here in the recovery and sober blogging community.  Self care is the opposite of a failure of care.  Self-care is nurturing and restorative.  January is a good month to start non-alcohol focused self-care 🙂

Bonus post: Kindness advent calendar

acts-of-kindness-calendarI’ve had a really tough week and MrHOF very kindly took the HOFlets swimming this morning so I had a bit more extra time for soberverse browsing.  While I was dipping in and out of sober communities I spotted this December kindness advent calendar that someone on Soberistas had shared and I thought ‘how lovely’.

When we’re stuck in the ‘pity party for one’ space it can be all get a bit me me me – well that’s my perception anyway! 😉  Sometimes focusing on something or someone other than ourselves can be really emotionally beneficial and this is the perfect way to do that.  So I’m going to be consulting this every day from now until Xmas too as a way of warding off those potential ‘woe is me’ moments.

I also found this on the wonderful interwebs at 12 kinds of kindness:

A 12 step experiment designed to open our hearts, eyes and minds

So as December 1 asks on the Kindness Advent Calendar I have shared this with you to encourage others to practice kindness this month.  As the calendar says in a final quote from Lao Tzu:

Kindness in words creates confidence

Kindness in thinking creates profoundness

Kindness in giving creates love

Thank you to the kind Soberistas who shared this and therefore allowed me to share it too 🙂

Friday Sober Inspiration: Is there a formula for happiness? (Come As You Are)

TheHappinessEquationI read this article a few weeks ago because of the subject but also because one of the writers is an old friend of ours who we’ve lost contact with.  It was lovely to connect with her again through reading her words.  Plus the first contributor is also in recovery so it felt doubly apt to share it here.  It was in The Telegraph and looking at whether there is a formula for happiness.

A new publication, The Book of Joy, written by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, has sparked debate over their theory that joy can be achieved by embracing “eight pillars of joy” – these being perspective, humility, humour, acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and generosity.

Here, four writers discuss their own rules for happiness.

‘I found happiness when… I learnt to be unhappy’

Bryony Gordon, 36

A friend of mine in recovery once said to me that to be truly happy you had to hit rock bottom. I didn’t really understand what she meant.

Perhaps that’s because I was drunk or high at the time – it was many years ago, when I would self-medicate my obsessive compulsive disorder through alcohol and cocaine, and everyone wanted to be my friend ‘because you’re so fun!’.

I thought fun equated to being happy. I was wrong. It’s only after five or six breakdowns (I lose count) that I have realised that the real key to happiness is to embrace unhappiness – to allow yourself to go to that rock bottom my friend mentioned without trying to shoo it away.

You don’t take your unhappiness and try to water it down with five pints of strong continental lager. You don’t run away from your unhappiness towards the nearest drug dealer.

You sit with your unhappiness, no matter how much of an arsehole you think it is. You talk to your unhappiness, however creepy it makes you feel. Maybe only for an hour each week, with a therapist there, but you talk to it all the same.

Try to at least make an acquaintance of it. Get to know it. Attempt to work it out, so it doesn’t keep getting the better of you. I did this last year when I wrote a book about my mental health, Mad Girl.

It made me very unhappy. Depressed even. Sitting with your unhappiness day in, day out is difficult, like scratching away at a scab. 

Even when the book came out at the beginning of the summer, I had not learnt properly how to deal with it. How to cope with it. But being able to cope with unhappiness is, I realise, all that happiness really is. It is nothing more complicated than that.

To find yourself in a real bind, wondering how you might get out of it, and to realise that you do not have to. You can just ‘be’ and not beat yourself up for just being.

And one day you catch yourself, maybe when you are having lunch with your family or watching someone you love run free across a park, and you get a pang of a memory of the misery you once used to feel all the time. You don’t freeze. You don’t panic. You say, ‘Hello unhappiness, my old friend. How are you?’

Then you smile, and you get on with your day. 

The other contributors are:

  • Elizabeth Day
  • Kerry Potter 🙂
  • Laura Powell

I particularly liked the last box:

It’s okay to embrace your darker side

Learning to cope with emotional states such as anger, envy and boredom can boost happiness, according to Dr Tim Lomas, psychologist and author of a new book, The Positive Power of Negative Emotions. He argues that allowing yourself to feel darker sensations boosts those feelings of joy and elation and can spark them too.

“Often people will think that if they feel pessimistic then something must be wrong with them and they shouldn’t be feeling like that, but negative feelings can send a useful message,” he says. “For example, if you feel lazy it might be more pleasurable to stay at home, but if you go for a run, in the long-term your wellbeing will be better served.”

Dr Lomas says the same is true for more complex emotions. “Take guilt: it can be unwarranted, but it also tells us important information about ourselves, ways we have gone wrong in the past, and make us be better people in the future.” Accepting negative emotions can make you more appreciative of positive experiences.

And in that spirit only Nirvana fits 😉

 

Making a difference to the child of an alcoholic

nacoa-webWhile the battle about Minimum Unit Pricing rages on this for me is the most important progress being made.  As Liam Byrne promised the Government now wants to “put every child of an alcoholic drinker in contact with help that would make a difference.”

As the Institute of Alcohol Studies reported in September: the National Association for Children Of Alcoholics (NACOA) held their first All-Party Parliamentary Group (APPG) for Children of Alcoholics.

Who are NACOA?

Nacoa (The National Association for Children of Alcoholics) is a charity founded in 1990 to address the needs of children growing up in families where one or both parents suffer from alcoholism or a similar addictive problem. We provide a a free and confidential telephone and email helpline that is open to people of all ages, from all walks of life, to offer support and advice to anybody affected. Professionals or concerned others can contact us for information, advice and support. Soon, we will also host an online message board service, where users may record their thoughts and share experiences online. Nacoa aims to promote research into the problems children of alcohol dependent parents face and the prevention of alcoholism developing in this vulnerable group. It is exciting therefore to be connected with the Institute of Alcohol Studies (IAS) as part of the government’s new All-Party Parliamentary Group (APPG) on Children of Alcoholics, which wants to put every child of an alcoholic drinker in contact with help that would make a difference.

The problem?

As the IAS report Alcohol’s harm to others shows, prevalence of alcohol harm on others in the UK is high, and younger people are more likely to report having experienced a number of harms than older age groups. Research suggests that approximately 1 in 5 children in the UK are living in a household where one or both parents drink hazardously (Manning et al., 2009). Nacoa’s survey of over 4,000 respondents also found that those identifying as children of alcoholics, when compared to a control group, were six times more likely to witness domestic violence, five times more likely to develop an eating problem, three times more likely to consider suicide, and four times more likely to become dependent on alcohol themselves.

How do we help?

Since 1990, staff and volunteers have seen profound changes to the way that children of parents with alcohol problems are discussed in the public domain. As well as providing a national service, Nacoa aims to break down social taboos and afford young people the agency to address their problems rather than hiding away. While alcohol problems are often associated with deprivation, Nacoa also hears from young people suffering in families who, to the outside world, seem functional and successful. These individuals can feel stranded between maintaining the family secret and seeking help for themselves. In these cases, more often than not, young people fall between services and feel totally isolated. Nacoa’s helpline offers the opportunity to discuss problems confidentially with trained helpline counsellors and make plans for a better future. Our nationwide service delivers help to those suffering in silence to all corners of the UK. Through our campaigns with prominent patrons – such as Calum Best, Elle Macpherson and Liam Byrne MP – we aim to share stories, break down stigma, and let people know they are not alone.

NACOA and the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Children of Alcoholics

From September 2016, Nacoa is hoping to use its breadth of experience to influence major policy change in the UK through the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Children of Alcoholics. Since the APPG’s inception, Nacoa has worked hard to encourage people in the public eye to take part as well as facilitating case studies for press and media to change how parental alcoholism is addressed at a national level.

The Group’s first meeting took place on the 15th September at the House of Commons, and the committee heard evidence from IAS, Nacoa patrons – Calum Best, Lauren Booth and Nacoa supporter Kim Woodburn – as well as other charities and research specialists. Nacoa’s Chief Executive and co-founder, Hilary Henriques MBE, presented to the committee and argued that government could and should do more to provide vital lifelines direct to children who may feel scared to speak out and compelled to ‘keep the family secret’. While locally provisioned adult treatment services and support are in need of reform and further assistance, services also need to be provided directly to young people in their own right. On the ITV Good Morning sofa, Liam Byrne said that he hopes this parliamentary attention ‘sends a message out to the 1 in 5 children who are children of alcoholics that says this is not your fault, you are not alone, and there is help available to you, like the brilliant Nacoa helpline.’

Call for evidence

To provide evidence to the APPG from your personal or professional experience, visit: liambyrne.co.uk/coa/. Together, we will be able to reach out to the 2.6 million children living in the UK with a parent who drinks too much and let them know that they are not alone and Nacoa is here to help. Our helpline number is 0800 358 3456 and email is helpline@nacoa.org.uk. You can find further information and research on our website nacoa.org.uk. For regular updates please follow @NacoaUK and like us on Facebook.

This was picked up by The Mirror newspaper:

The Mirror reported shock as 2.6m British children with alcoholic parents are left with ‘no hope and no help from authorities’, as MP Liam Byrne seeks to raise the profile of the harm to children from parental alcohol abuse | Alcohol Policy, UK

This truly swells my heart that the Govt is now seeking to make a difference for this silent and truly vulnerable group.  Now we need to extend that support to include offering restorative therapeutic relationships for these young people 😉

Edited to add: a new resource to add to my list is the blog coa is a thing and this is just one of their many brilliant blog posts:

7 myths about alcoholism, through a child of an alcoholic’s eyes. 

Friday Sober Inspiration: Drama to No Drama

karpman-drama-triangleSo I read a Veronica Valli post about recovery red flags recently that really resonated.  And then as happens I was watching a video series from Ruth Buczynski looking at shame, anger and conflict and suddenly I found myself taking a very sharp breath in as the two subjects collided in a way that caused a psychological shift in my thinking.

The expression that Veronica used that has been rattling around my brain ever since I read it is this:

If I’m okay with me, I don’t have to make you not okay

Ouch.  The above image explains it all really well I think.

And then Ruth’s video’s were talking about the Karpman Drama Triangle that Jean over at Unpickled has discussed before here and which I knew about from my time working with families as a school nurse.  And as is the way with the magical internet rabbit hole one thing led to another and I found myself looking at this image.

avoiding-the-drama-triangle So much of recovery from addiction is about moving from fear to love and I am very aware that the Karpman Triangle is alive and well in my way of interacting with others close to me!  So like recovery from booze and reading sober bloggers ahead of me on the path I wanted to know what a healthy way of relating looked like and in my quest I found the work of Tina Tessina 🙂

This is what she has to say:

One profound way to intervene in the Drama Triangle is for family members to learn not to rescue each other. The other is to stop allowing others to rescue you.

Recognize a Rescue While You Are Participating In It

Learn to recognize that you are rescuing when you:
– Do something that you do not want to do because you believe you have to, and feel resentful later.
Do not ask for what you want.
Inappropriately parent another adult (giving unsolicited advice, giving orders, nagging, or criticizing)
Don’t tell your partner when there’s a problem, or when you feel resentful, ripped off, rejected, cheated, depressed, disappointed, or otherwise dissatisfied.
– Contribute more than 50% of the effort to any project or activity that is supposed to be mutual, (including housework, earning income, making dates and social plans, initiating sex, carrying the conversations, giving comfort and support) without a clear agreement between you.
Feel your role is to fix, protect, control, feel for, worry about, ignore the expressed wants of, or manipulate your partner.
Habitually feel tired, anxious, fearful, responsible, overworked and/or resentful in your relationship.
Focus more on your partner’s feelings, problems, circumstances, performance, satisfaction or happiness than on your own.

Whenever you realize you are rescuing, tell the other person what you’re tempted to do or not do for them, (how you want to rescue them) and ask them if they would like you to do that or not. Once you’ve offered and the offer has been accepted or rejected, (even if your partner is not honest about what he or she wants, or makes a mistake) it is no longer a rescue, it is an open agreement, and can be renegotiated if necessary.

Learn to recognize that you are being rescued if you:
– Think you are not as capable, grown up, or self-sufficient as your partner.
Find that your partner is doing things “for you” that you haven’t requested or acknowledged
Feel guilty because your partner frequently seems to work harder, do more, or want more than you do.
Don’t ask for what you want, because your needs are anticipated by someone, or because your partner will not say “no” if he or she doesn’t want to do it.
Act or feel incapable, childish, irresponsible, paralyzed, nagged, criticized, powerless, smothered, or manipulated in your relationship.
Act or feel demanding, greedy, selfish, out of control, overemotional, lazy, worthless, pampered, spoiled, helpless, or hopeless in your relationship.
Contribute less than 50% of the effort to any project or activity that is supposed to be mutual, (including housework, earning income, making dates and social plans, initiating sex, carrying the conversations, giving comfort and support) without a clear agreement.
Feel your role is to be fixed, protected, controlled, told what you feel, worried about, ignored, or manipulated by another adult.
Habitually feel guilty, numb, turned off, overwhelmed, irresponsible, overlooked, misunderstood and/or hopeless in your relationships.
Focus more on your partner’s approval, criticism, faults, anger, responsibility, and power than on your own opinion of yourself.
Feel controlled, used, manipulated, victimized, abused, oppressed, stifled, limited or otherwise dissatisfied by your partner.

The more familiar these feelings or actions are, the more frequently they occur, the bigger the habit you have of being rescued in your relationship. Rescuing is a habit that you learned early in life that seems “normal” and is habitual, so it is often difficult to be aware of it. Rescues depend on secrecy or ignorance. The antidote to being rescued is making an open agreement. So, if you suspect you are being rescued, suggest negotiating or talking about it, or just say thank you, if the help is truly OK with you.

How to Avoid Rescues
1. Recognize that what’s going on doesn’t feel good. It’s the best indicator of dysfunctional interaction.
2. Stop and Think. Don’t react automatically. If you have a dysfunctional habit pattern, you’ll need to make a different choice than your automatic behavior. Use the following checklist:
a) Does the situation feel fair?
b) Are you reluctant to say what you want?
c) Do you know what the other person wants?
d) Do you feel uncomfortable?
e) Are you resentful, angry, scared or upset?
f) Are you trying to control someone else’s reaction or feelings?
g) Does this feel similar to other interactions that ended badly?
3. After you’ve taken a moment to think about whether you’re rescuing or being rescued, and what clues you are aware of, either ask for what you want, or ask the other person what he or she wants.
4. Offer to work toward a mutual decision.

Taking the rescues out of your relationship removes the drama. Learning to talk about what you want and don’t want, and to offer help instead of just stepping in can make a really big difference in the happiness level of your relationship

Source: Tina B. Tessina, PhD, (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs

Wow is all I can say.  If I feel like I’m about to say something that I might later regret I now find myself uttering Veronica’s words to establish if it is indeed me who is struggling with something, and therefore not feeling okay, and looking to off-load it onto somebody else to make me feel better and in the process make them not feel okay.  I have said a great deal less and taken responsibility for an awful lot more as part of that process in the few weeks since I made the realisation.

Maybe this work will help you too? 🙂

Friday Sober Inspiration: Date with Destiny

date-with-destinySo recently I watched Tony Robbin’s documentary film ‘I am not your Guru’ because I’d read some of his books and have always been curious about his seminars and conferences.  So this documentary follows him during one of his 6 day Date with Destiny seminars.  It was fascinating to watch and he certainly has a unique coaching approach!

What I didn’t know is that he was, and continues to be, driven by a desire to both progress within his own life and help others as part of that process because of his own childhood.  His mother was both an alcoholic and addicted to Valium and he talks about this briefly during the film.  And there was much about the seminar programme that resonated with our sobriety journey hence why I’m talking about it here and now.

The 6 day event is both long and intense and the format runs:

  1. Preparation
  2. Evaluation – push will wear you out
  3. Discovery – we all get what we tolerate
  4. Relationship
  5. Transformation
  6. Integration

He understands the human condition because of his own experience.  He asks great questions such as what are the beliefs, behaviours, emotional habits, story you tell yourself or conflict inside of you that stops you living your best life?   And there were some great take aways such as:

Stay in your head and you’re dead

Another of his quote’s in Fortune that I read and really liked was:

‘Be in charge of your life. You’re going to have reward and risk wherever you are, but be authentic to what you want to be and what you want to do. Don’t be worrying about what somebody thinks about you. Don’t flatter yourself. They’re really not thinking about you.’

All of these stages and questions fit the drinking and sobriety conundrum really well and he acknowledges that people who attend his days are looking to change a behaviour or way of thinking which again fits our battles with booze perfectly!

And wouldn’t you know he’s one of us 🙂

He’s also fastidious about his diet. Robbins doesn’t drink alcohol or caffeine, or eat red meat or chicken (source)

Here’s a TED talk given by him where he motivates in 20 minutes:

PS The second trailer for T2: Trainspotting is out and you can watch it here – can’t wait for January!

You’re an addict so be addicted, just be addicted to something else – choose the one’s you love, choose your future, choose life” 😉

 

Friday Sober Inspiration: Abundance

abundance-scaleSo this image is taken from the book Money Love by Meadow Devor who was interviewed by Tommy Rosen as part of his Recovery 2.0 online conference in September.  She was talking to him about financial sobriety and some of the things she said had my mouth fall open in recognition.  So I thought I would share a few key points from what she shared about abundance, compassionately observing and noting our thinking and moving on from the ‘please like me discount’.

Although her book focuses on money so much of what she said is applicable to so many other areas of life too, including booze.  Interestingly Meadow is also in recovery from alcohol.  So without giving away too much – these were my key take-away points from her wisdom.

When you engage in a behaviour whether it is spending, eating, drinking, internet surfing, etc ask yourself:

  1. What are you feeling?
  2. What are you trying to achieve/avoid? Why are you doing this?
  3. Can you afford it? In terms of money, time or emotions

And to weigh up the value vs the cost (again talking about financial, time or emotional).

She also talks a great deal about how we act from either scarcity or abundance as represented by the scale illustrated at the top of the post.  I definitely grew up with a scarcity mentality and mindset and have been doing some serious work around reframing how I view the world in a more abundant way.  Part of that work was leaving behind my own ‘please like me discount’ which, because of my own issues with co-dependency, was a big thing that I knew I did but had never before heard it put so succinctly into words!  I have a post it note above my desk that reminds me:

You do enough

You have enough

You are enough

You can listen to her being interviewed by Laura McKowen & Holly Whitaker on the Home podcast here:

If you are struggling with feelings of worry, frustration or lack how about trying this abundance meditation to see if you can start to shift your way of thinking too?  I can promise you if you begin to practise gratitude, and try to engage with the world from a place of empowerment and abundance soon the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach will shift becoming not just a desired hope but your reality.  Why not give it a try?

PS As if our cup wasn’t overflowing enough with abundance today this news broke this afternoon too! Go Scotland!! 🙂

Plans to set a minimum price for alcohol in Scotland have today (21 October 2016) been backed by the Scottish courts.

“We are satisfied that the Scottish courts have concluded that MUP is legal, as we have argued for many years, and we now call for it to be implemented without delay.” (Herald Scotland)