Thinking vs feeling

So I’ve been having a bit of a wobble again and it wasn’t anticipated so that always shakes me up more than usual.  It might just be PAWS again and I’m going to start keeping a record, as Prim suggested, but it might be something else and I need to learn from it to be better prepared next time.

When we’re coming up to big sober first events, such as birthday’s, parties and holidays we can anticipate, plan and prepare.  I even wrote a series of posts on relapse and failed to take my own advice in this instance!

What triggered my monumental wobble?  A job interview.  Why?  Because one of the reasons I drank was anxiety and managing it (I know I know, it makes it worse, rebound anxiety and all).  The job interview itself went well but it is the peaks in anxiety both before the interview – what if I say the wrong thing?  and afterwards – what if I said the wrong thing?  that feed my anxiety and this awakens the inner critic.  This quickly spiralled into vanishing self-compassion and positive feelings of self care towards myself and in a desire to drown out the negative chatter I wanted to reach for a drink to make it stop, albeit temporarily.

Perceived wisdom has it that you shouldn’t change anything major in the first year of recovery, and preferably even in the second year, as this can destabilise your fledgling sobriety.  Oh how right that wisdom is and how I should have listened rather than thinking that I was (a) different or (b) stronger than that.  The wisdom is there for a reason and it should be listened to and respected.

Why? Because although you can think about this stuff rationally, in terms of it’s a job interview and I have the skills and competence to deal with this and successfully secure the position, it will not necessarily help you in managing how you feel about the job interview process and putting yourself in situations that trigger your own insecurities in terms of anxiety and stress.

Lesson learned for next time which happens to be today as I have the second round of the interview process this afternoon.  Let’s hope I handle it better than last time! 😉

32 days to go

20 thoughts on “Thinking vs feeling

  1. Good luck with the interview, Lou, and thanks for your bravery and honesty in sharing your feelings with how all this is affecting you. You’re a strong lady 🙂 Let us know how you get on. xx

    1. Hey MTM! Thank you and I will 🙂 Are you back from your holidays? Did you have a sober-tastic time? xx

      1. Hols great thanks, if a little wet and windy at times! Made it through 2 weeks camping with my sobriety intact, but sadly can’t same the same for my washing machine, which has chosen a bastard horrid time to break down. Am catching up on sober blogs in the midst of laundry crisis 😉 xx

      2. Snap!! Whilst was having interview new washing machine was being plumbed in. Now have Mount Everest of laundry to clear! Congrats on holiday sober success xx

      3. Bastard washing machines are all out to get us. Hope the new one is working well. Am sitting in today waiting for engineer to fix mine… keep your fingers crossed for me 😉 xx

    1. Thanks Sharon. It’s so weird how these milestones/events really destabilise isn’t it? Hope husband#1 and Olive are helping you through 🙂

  2. Thanks for sharing this today. I’m having a week of transitions, which leaves me feeling overwhelmed and anxious. So much to do that my brain wants to shut down and do nothing at all. These are the times I used to pour a tumbler-sized cosmo and crank out some work. Not anymore! It feels good to know that other people feel the same way sometimes, although I’m sorry you’re going through it. Hang in there and good luck with your interview. 🙂

    1. Hey Julie Transitions are tough aren’t they? Every time we do this though and make it through to the other side unscathed our confidence in our ability to do things sober soars. What doesn’t break us makes us stronger right? 🙂

  3. Good luck today. It be can be pretty raw to “feel” the anxiety, fear, stress, etc. I used to medicate. I’m stark raving sober some days! On the flip side, as the sober days add up and I make it through each rough patch, my confidence builds. Almost 9 months here and cheering you on to your one year soberversary.

    1. Thanks iamsobernow and so great to hear from you! Love that ‘stark raving sober’ 😉 Congrats on your 9 months – awesome achievement 🙂

  4. Good lucky Lucy! I try to remember that no matter what, if I don’t drink, the anxiety will pass. Take good care of yourself afterwards. xo

    1. Thanks Jen – bought 2 pack of cinnamon buns on way to interview and inhaled one before I went in and have one left for later 😉 xx

  5. arriving a bit late to comment to wish you luck but hope all went well and cinnamon buns sound delicious! really good post about dealing with wobbles too. Tx. Xx

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