So this feels like a timeless sober jukebox tune for a timeless post. I’m actually writing this at the end of October 2016 because I have been struggling with some recurring demons – my ghosts in the machine as it were.
Coming from the family experience that I do I struggle with fear and anxiety pretty regularly and it settles for long periods of time and then flairs up again. Invariably I think that I have more power than I do and that everything is my fault, everything will fall apart and it will all be my fault. I listened to a Yoga Church podcast last night called ‘Step Out of Your Past and Into Your Now’ that got me thinking about this again as I struggle to get on top of another bout of raging anxiety and fear.
Meadow and Laura McKowen were talking about the words that define their past and for me those two words, fear and anxiety, express it pretty succinctly. They discussed coming up with an image that portrayed this and pretty similarly to Laura the one I landed on was shadow dancer. I spent my entire life dancing to the tune of others to dodge the shadows of fear and anxiety – either my own or those of others around me. No wonder I ended up in the bottom of a bottle!
This image and these words must then be honoured and let go in a ritual of some kind of your making. To me it felt like I had to sit with them and not dance myself away from them and my shadow side. To be honest the trigger events have prompted a great deal of soul searching and somatic discomfort so I feel like this has been part of the process and hence why it is time to move on from being stuck in these feelings.
Having created the image and words that defined the past the task was then to create ones to replace these for the future. My brain was pretty fried by this point (or I was simply disassociating under the stress of it!) but with the help of MrHOF we came up with calm and fearless as the words and the image was explorer.
This image seemed fitting in terms of my internal exploring of more positive feelings and our external plans for travel as a family too 😉
This is an ongoing process and I continue to have waves of emotional upheaval but like the waves of craving to drink they come less often and are less intense and I see them build to crescendo and break now so I’m making progress. I recommend you give it a try what with the heralding of a new year not that long ago.
And now to one of my favourite albums 🙂