So it’s been a while since I’ve had a moment of clarity in my sobriety so it feels like one was way overdue and then it arrived. Not with a bang but as Laura McKowen said recently to Nicole Antoinette in a podcast, it was a ‘soft click’. I’ve been doing the hustle again – the hustle for worthiness.
The soft click moment came lying in the bath having listened to 3 podcasts in quick succession; Meadow DeVor with Nicole Antoinette, the Laura McKowen one and then Dan Siegel talking about The Wheel of Awareness which I’ve talked about here. It’s like they all coalesced in my brain and then I have a realisation.
So Dan talked about our Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) score which I also talk about in my attachment, alexithymia & addiction research paper I wrote and I will share soon here, plus Veronica Valli linked to an excellent article about it recently here too. Mine is 8/10 which meant I was environmentally and genetically primed for addiction. And Meadow talked about the hustle for worthiness as it relates to professional remuneration, overworking, underearning and overspending – an addiction of another kind in all but substance.
And when I looked back and reflected on different memories it all became clear. Some clues? Memories of hearing my parents arguing when I was teenager at being unable to afford the cost of my school fees (I was educated at private boarding school of my mother’s choosing not mine) and how it was wasted on me because he thought I wasn’t intelligent enough – and me thinking ‘I’ll prove you wrong’; having to tenaciously pursuit contacts I’d established to secure an assistant research psychologist post; badgering a manager for a reference to apply to the University of Cambridge and the joy at finding out I’d been accepted; writing the blog and then the tears at people signing up for the London workshops; and most recently approaching agencies as I try to secure a job (and accompanying visa) in Australia. The soft click of awareness that I was feeling way too comfortable with all of this and how it all felt very familiar – the clenched jaw, breathe holding and giddy rush of the chase. Good things come to those who hustle right?
And now I have the awareness I have to decide what to do with it and that I haven’t quite figured out yet. So a musical interlude in the meantime with Pan’s People no less! 😉
PS Tomorrow is the UK’s 9th Recovery Walk if you would like to join them here are all the details: